* The UAE is home to rampant corruption, exploitation, prostitution and the International Cricket Council.

* The country has been associated with suspicious cricket results ever since England won a limited-overs competiton in Sharjah in 1998.

* Two years ago then PCB chief Ijaz Butt initiated a move to the Gulf after learning that criticism of the ruling clique is a crime punishable by imprisonment.

* The Emirates have hosted five Tests in total, the most exciting of which was in Abu Dhabi in 2010, when Pakistan - 871 for six declared and 642 for two - drew with Sri Lanka - 1189 all out.

* Dubai has been described as a "vulgar monument to greed and excess" and is a favoured holiday destination of Kevin Pietersen.

* Wahab Riaz, Imran Farhat and Umar Akmal have been included for the home side, while Mushtaq Ahmed is the visitors' spin bowling coach.

* Andrew Strauss has backed fully the Pakistan squad selection in spite of Farhat's consistently mediocre Test career.

* One of the most explosive rivalries in international cricket can be traced back to 1988, when Mike Gatting allowed Shakoor Rana a taste of his 9am bhuna only for the Punjabi to deny all knowledge of a quid pro quo for the umpire's lunch-time battenburg.

* Homosexuality is illegal in the UAE yet at least one of England's touring party is gay, requiring the ECB to implement what is known in sports ethics as The Blatter Protocol.

* Having married on New Year's Eve, Alastair Cook is relishing a dream honeymoon of unwatchable cricketing attrition, culminating in a romantic Valentine's week ODI whitewash.

* Mohammad Asif misses out despite having his drugs possession ban quashed by UAE authorities in April last year.

* Monty Panesar has been called up as cover for Graeme Swann; should the Notts ace fall injured Panesar will immediately begin tweeting about Newcastle United, Steven Finn's hair, Oasis and other things that were fashionable in the 1990s.

* Amnesty International says that tens of thousands of Pakistani labourers are kept against their will in the UAE in conditions akin to slavery, but the International Federation of Fast Bowlers maintains that this is marginally less hard work than delivering five overs of seam at the Sheikh Zayed Stadium.

Peter May