Before we get into this, I first want to reassure you that Did You See is not a body hair feature and, closely related to that, I want to doubly reassure you that in following David Willey’s Alice band with David Warner’s beard, I am not slowly working my way down the human body.
David Warner’s beard then. Did you see it?
Here’s a video of him talking through it.
— cricket.com.au (@cricketcomau) March 17, 2019
Some people suit beards and some people don’t suit beards. All we can really state with confidence about David Warner is that he doesn’t suit this particular beard.
Warner’s beard is not a sportsman’s beard. It is a beard you might glimpse on a Bruges chocolatier, or on an ominously mute member of a rural religious community in an old episode of the X-Files. (He’s just working in the background while Mulder and Scully are speaking to someone else, but then he turns away just a bit too quickly when Scully spies him watching them.)
It is not a good beard – but this doesn’t mean it is inappropriate for Warner.
The hypersensitive bully; the Reverend with the uncontrollable inner chimp – Warner is a man of contradictions and his beard is contradictory too. Somehow it manages to be both thick and sparse; both bushy and transparent. It is undeniably ‘too much’ and yet at the same time it is just as undeniably ‘not enough’.
How did the beard come about? I’m well aware how beards develop, but how did Warner make the decision to allow it to annex his entire jaw?
I have a theory that Warner heard he was to spend a year in the metaphorical wilderness and took this to mean he should spend a year in the actual wilderness and so he’s been sleeping in a tent in the bush with no razor.
Or maybe it’s a statement beard. ‘The David Warner you knew is dead,’ says the beard. ‘This is a reborn David Warner; one who will make sure he is aligned with the team’s values moving forward and who absolutely will not be cheating by knackering up the surface of a cricket ball with sandpaper.’
It’s hard to imagine the beard getting that exact message across too clearly, but it is easy to imagine people talking about it and how weird it looks. So maybe it’s just a distraction beard; a sacrificial beard.
David Warner has surrendered his lower face to save himself.
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Bairstow has been reprimanded by the ICC after using “an audible obscenity”.
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