'How to annoy Capetonians', by J Trott

Jonathan Trott's next visit to Cape Town will be mildly uncomfortable, given his remarks last week that he doesn't enjoy visiting the Mother City, where he grew up, any more.

Dear Jonathan

Look, I get it. Every time South Africa face England, you and Prior and KP and Kieswetter and Dernbach and Strauss… anyway, a few of you get asked about being South African, what it's like to come 'home', etc. It must get annoying, and I sympathise.

I mean, come on. Strauss left South Africa before he'd reached primary school, and Dernbach didn't have much choice in the matter as his family moved to Blighty when he was 14. So it is a bit ridiculous to claim that even if England win the upcoming series, a team of South Africans will still be number one in the rankings.

But to claim you DON'T LIKE CAPE TOWN?! Come on man, that's just crazy talk. Before you made this frankly ludicrous statement, most South Africans probably didn't even know you grew up in the Mother City, and even if they did, they liked you because you hadn't slammed the Rainbow Nation ala Pietersen.

Now you've gone and ruined that. Why did you do that, Jonathan? Why? Let me remind you of your statement. You said: "I went back to South Africa for my brother's wedding in April last year and <i>I didn't enjoy it at all in Cape Town</i>."

That's not very nice, now is it? How does your brother feel about that, after he paid lots of ZAR to feed you at his nuptials? And the rest of your family, who presumably still live in iKapa? Sorry friends and family, I hate coming to visit for two weeks!

Then you added: "Every time I've been back to Cape Town – for weddings, a holiday or whatever – I've always moved my flight so I can go home earlier. It's nothing to do with crime or political reasons. I just didn't enjoy being away from home. And home is Birmingham."

Ok fine, you miss your family and like living in Birmingham. I've been to Birmingham, so I'm not quite sure how that works, but it's your life. But do you really cut a holiday to Cape Town short, every time? Really?

Does the magnificent mountain offend you? Do you not enjoy the world class wine farms and golf courses? Do the friendly people, good beer and delicious foods upset your sensibilities?

It all sounds a bit fishy to me. Was there an ECB sniper training a red dot on your forehead during your interview? Are you scared they won't pick you for England if you still like South Africa? The lad doth protest too much, methinks.

So next time you are dragged, kicking and screaming, to Cape Town, don't even <i>think</i> about smiling when you see our mountain. Don't go to any fun bars on Long Street, don't chat to a local and don't touch a refreshing lager!

And we have our spies too, so if you even <i>consider</i> cheering for the Springboks, even so much as clap when Pat Lambie kicks a penalty, we'll know about it, and we'll send Dale Steyn to Bodyline you from here to Hout Bay.

Much love,

Proudly Capetonian

<b>By Lindsay du Plessis</b>