Nine reasons why Cape Town missed out

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Cricket South Africa tried to reassure fans by saying they'd be giving Newlands an Australia Test, and that they wanted to give everyone a chance to get a fixture over the summer, but we reckon there are more sinister reasons afoot.

Cape Town traditionally hosts the New Year's Test when South Africa play at home over the festive season, so the outrage from the Proteas fans when the schedule for the India tour was announced was not muted.

Durban and Gauteng got all the fixtures (a Test and an ODI for Durban and Johannesburg, and an ODI in Centurion), leaving the Mother City without the chance to see the great rivals in action. This, on top of the scuffle with the BCCI, was almost too much to be borne.

Cricket South Africa tried to reassure fans by saying they'd be giving Newlands an Australia Test, and that they wanted to give everyone a chance to get a fixture over the summer, but we reckon there are more sinister reasons afoot.

<b>1. Lorgat lives in Cape Town</b>

With Cricket South Africa's decision/capitulation to keep chief Haroon Lorgat away from any dealings involving the India series, the lack of Cape Town action must mean that Lorgat lives in the Mother City these days. When they said they'd keep him away, they meant FAR away, and packed up his Joburg home and put it in a U-Haul down the N1.

<b>2. Swing when you're winning</b>

Cape Town is a paradise for swing bowling, as demonstrated by Vernon Philanders's efforts against New Zealand and Pakistan in recent series at Newlands. The prospect of facing Big Vern clearly causes a rethink, with the BCCI saying, "Nah, it's cool. The Aussies can have the honour of playing there…"

<b>3. Bottom of the barrel</b>

Connected to this, India's fast bowling stocks are running on empty at the moment. Zaheer Khan might have been in line for a miracle recall had there been a game there, given Ishant Sharma, Bhuvneshwar Kumar and Umesh Yadav's woes. The Proteas, especially Kallis, Smith and AB, love batting below the mountain, so it wasn't a risk worth taking, frankly.

<b>4. Shhhh, not so loud…</b>

The original Test was supposed to be on New Year's Day, and who wants to play cricket with a hangover? The BCCI said they didn't think it was fair to keep their lads away from home for so long, but really they wanted to be free to party like it would be 2014.

<b>5. Sorry sir, we're booked</b>

Connected to this, Camps Bay hang out to the stars, Cafe Caprice, was fully booked for a party hosted by regulars Herschelle Gibbs and Ryk Neethling, leaving no room for the sides to have a New Year's bash. No other venue offers the same over-priced pink drinks, thus ruling the city out of contention. Also, MS Dhoni's holiday house won't be ready in time, with ongoing renovations adding a walk-in sunglasses cupboard and a motorbike ramp.

<b>6. India fan shortage</b>

Durban is a logical choice, given the very large Indian population (the largest outside of India, for serious) which would ensure packed grounds. Johannesburg also has lots of India fans, and also Oriental Plaza for the WAGs. Capetonians, on the other hand, tend to support New Zealand if South Africa's not an option.

<b>7. Sand in your face</b>

The east coast is served by the warm Mozambique current, meaning Durban's ocean is lovely and warm, like stepping into a temperature-controlled pool. Cape Town, has the cold Benguela current flowing past, so even in December one is blinded by freezing water-induced headaches. Thus, logic dictates that cricket not be played where there is no warm sea to chill in after the summer day's play. Also: sharks. Joburg compensates by having late-afternoon thunder showers to cool everyone down.

<b>8. A zero in the win column</b>

India have never won a Test at Newlands, and only have one ODI victory there. The Proteas, meanwhile, have won eight of the last 10 Tests played there (by large margins too), drawing the other two. They last lost a Cape Town Test in 2006, against Australia. Ipso facto, stay away from Newlands.

<b>9. Sachin said so</b>

If the original schedule, the one that caused all the drama, had stuck, Sachin Tendulkar would have played his 200th Test at Newlands. He is one of the few non-South Africans to have a good record there, averaging over 81. If he couldn't have it, no-one could have it!

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