Opinion: It's war – and England must keep calm and carry on

Blog Opinion

After the mauling in Brisbane, Alastair Cook suggested that Ashes cricket is "pretty much a war" on the pitch and that his team had lost the first battle. The British government has now decided it is time to take that sentiment literally before the second Test match begins at Adelaide.

After the mauling in Brisbane, Alastair Cook suggested that Ashes cricket is "pretty much a war" on the pitch and that his team had lost the first battle.

The British government has now decided it is time to take that sentiment literally before the second Test match begins at Adelaide. Prime minster David Cameron wants another drunken Ashes party in Downing Street.

"OBEs and knighthoods will be there for the taking if the boys can pull it off again" said one senior source. "Even if Ben Stokes scores seven and 10 and Monty Panesar gets a none-for, they will all be heroes."

Posters are now being printed quick sharp and put up across London to convey the stiff upper lip and resolve of her majesty's people. They read: "Keep Calm and Carry On."

More World War II home front slogans are being distributed across local communities to try to repel the rabid Australian forces. "They jolly well won't know what has hit them", said one spin doctor.

If you are English, the message is simple. You simply must do your duty to ensure the boys come home victorious.

The following leaflets will be dropping through your door before Thursday…

<b>The Kitchen Is Key To Victory:</b> Our boys have been mocked for their special dietary requirements. Merv Hughes can stuff his ham up his pickle sandwich. Smoothies, soups, salads and superfoods will create a silver service of centurions on the pitch. Pumpkin seeds and goji berries will save the day. You will see. Cook now.

<b>Careless Talk Costs Lives:</b> We know that the enemy are indulging in fast and loose talk. We know that walls have ears and that Nathan Lyon has very big ears. We will fight fiery mouths by ice cool Mike Atherton-esque resolve. Ignore southern hemisphere sledging in sports bars. Take anything on the chin. Talk is cheap. Only the queen's English in a quiet hush can save us.

<b>Women Work For Victory:</b> Australia's newspapers claim their WAGs are hotter. It is time to step to the beauty crease, ladies. Housewives of Britain, send your war paint to the other side of the world. Put on your skyscraper heels and stand up – or fall over – for your men. We have no women called Candice or Kyly. We have Chantal. Take that, Oz.

<b>Dig For Victory:</b> As an act of defiance, corporal Jonathan Trott dug a trench at the Brisbane crease before taking special leave. We salute him. The ministry of defence now calls on the great British public to take home guard and batten down the hatches to ensure there are no direct hits on our boys. Dig deep. If they can't see us, they can't defeat us.

<b>Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution Will Bring Us Victory:</b> Do not be run down by the Mitchell Johnsons and their handlebar moustaches. Do a Joe Root and smile gamely in the face of road rage. If you show that sticks and stones can't break our arms, then Kevin Pietersen will rocket launch the Lyon; Bell will bayonet the banana man and Prior will hand grenade the Harris.

<b>Make-Do And Mend:</b> We will not call upon home for reserves, even if Nick Compton is ready for a secret parachute mission behind enemy lines. We must be ready to win with what we have. We will prevail, even if we rely on the tail. The British cricketing empire is at stake.

<b>Tim Ellis</b>

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