The Giles Clarke 'Right Sort Of People' Captaincy Test

England captain Alastair Cook is by all accounts a lovely man, who is calm, polite, and charming on and off the field. He's not won a cricket match in a good long while, but that is immaterial, according to Giles Clarke.

England captain Alastair Cook is by all accounts a lovely man, who is calm, polite, and charming on and off the field. He's not won a cricket match in a good long while, but that is immaterial, according to Giles Clarke.

The ECB head honcho, with much Vernon Dursley pomposity, has declared Cook to be the epitome of English captaincy, thanks in large part to his very pretty wife and cute baby, making them the right 'sort of people' to lead the Three Lions.

These were his actual words: "He is a very determined guy, a very good role model and he and his family are very much the sort of people we want the England captain and his family to be."

What Cooky's wife has to do with his ability to hold a bat or set a field, we're unsure of, but it must be relevant, surely? Come to think of it, Andrew Strauss' Mrs was often seen at the tennis, thus also 'the right sort'.

So we got to searching, and found an 'un-named source' in the dungeons at Lord's, who unearthed the FECT (Future England Captaincy Test) quiz in a secret crypt, hidden behind a broken bat with a mangled KP sticker on it.

Take the quiz, imagining you're a (male) England cricketer, and see if you'd crack the nod as skipper.

<b>1. When you see a fielder standing at short fine leg on day three of a Test, with the score on 460/1, you:</b>

a) Move him to the covers, what a silly wandering sheep!<br>b) Keep him there. Such initiative deserves a chance.<br>c) Wonder how Michael Clarke's Funkiness made it onto your field.<br>d) Glare at said fielder and shift him a bit to the left, just to show you're in charge.

<b>2. If an opposing batsman gets out to a short ball in the first Test, what is your tactic in the next game?</b>

a) Get Bresilad on to pepper the rib cage until a pull shot goes awry. Obviously.<br>b) Introduce the left-arm spinner. Obviously.<br>c) Pick Jade Dernbach and get him to bowl slower short balls. What's 50 runs between friends?<br>d) Try a bouncer and then a yorker. It's not very English, but seems to work for other teams.

<b>3. When given the option of a day out, you pick:</b>

a) Going to play golf with Straussy and Vaughany<br>b) Paintball, biyatchez!<br>c) Surfing. I tend to make the best of limited resources/talent.<br>d) Off to Twickenham to watch the Boks take on England.

<b>4. When away from the field, you enjoy:</b>

a) A spot of gardening, before checking on the wee lambs.<br>b) A spot of clubbing, followed by a bit of night swimming.<br>c) Playing on the X-Box and ragging mates on Twitter.<br>d) Staying involved in various business interests.

<b>5. What is your opinion on facial hair?</b>

a) It's a bit unkempt, isn't it? Though a bit of stubble to keep the elements at bay during sheering season is fine.<br>b) Movember! Or, you know, personal choice. It's up to you.<br>c) I can't say, mine's a bit bum-fluffy so I've never bothered with it.<br>d) A goatee gets the ladies like nothing else, let me tell you.

<b>6. When you hear whistling in the change room, you:</b>

a) Assess the situation. WHY is said person whistling? If we won – Ok. If not…<br>b) Feel glad that your players are happy and comfortable in their team environment.<br>c) Check emails from uncle Paul. There was something about this in there somewhere…<br>d) Figure out the tune and join in!

<b>7. Your significant other can be described as:</b>

a) A similarly named, down-to-earth lass from the farm next door.<br>b) Devilishly handsome. He looks a bit like Tom Daley, only taller.<br>c) A lingerie model, though let's not go so far as to call her significant… she might get ideas.<br>d) A pop star… kind of?

<b>8. If you had to pick a car sponsor, you'd go for:</b>

a) Land Rovers are best, especially if you want to take the dogs with you on a hunt.<br>b) A Ducati 899. Cars are too conventional.<br>c) Aston Martin.<br>d) Lamborghini. It must be yellow.

<b>9. When you heard of Graeme Smith's retirement, you felt:</b>

a) Relief. I can't cry on command in press conferences.<br>b) Gutted. The man was a captaincy legend and I enjoyed learning from him.<br>c) Relief. Though now I have to face him in County cricket.<br>d) Overjoyed. Now we can be BFFs!

<b>10. And finally, when you hear the word 'team' your first thought is:</b>

a) Ethics and unity!<br>b) Body shots!<br>c) There's no I in it?<br>d) Franchise.


Mostly A's – You are perfect captaincy material. You're charming, good with the press, know when to keep your mouth shut and are a good role model. Also: Excellent family creation, you followed orders perfectly.

Mostly B's – Let's be honest, more than one B and you're out the race for skipper. Maybe you can play for the Lions or something.

Mostly C's – Let's stick to vice-captaincy for now, shall we? You have the potential, but some resistance still needs to be beaten out…er, trained…er…

Mostly D's – Go home, Kevin.

<b>Lindsay du Plessis</b>